Different. Alone. Endlessly alone. Unbearably alone… Perhaps that would be the most accurate description of what I lived until I was 37. On the surface, I had a decent life. Many acquaintances, various companies of people where I had good friends that loved and accepted me.
Sometime in high-school I realized that people around me “function” differently, that they do not feel and “see” others like I do. It was a neat thing, because I managed to easily communicate with all on “their level” and I was ahead in many ways because of this. I started going out early, and spent nights with my friends like most young. We shared alcohol, cigarettes, and many other things. My university days were highlighted by the Club of Students of Electro-technology, where we lived our lives with music, companionship and through activities of the Club. It was normal to be drunk every single night, to work in the Club and this was a life that bound us together and held a meaning for us.
I saw that each person I associated with was different, and yet each found their pair. Those few girls that I thought I liked ended up not being interesting from “within” and so I avoided relationships knowing it wasn’t “all that”. My being different has separated me from people, and my loneliness was eating me inside.
Little by little my life was losing its meaning and I began coming home very drunk more often, just to start it all from the scratch the next day. I got into a habit of going from one bar to another, and drink alone, just to stumble back to my apartment, fall into bed and sleep. This was the only way I could survive from one day to the next. Even though I knew this was a safe way into destruction, I saw no other way out.
It was 1996, and I was heading to London to a European Convention of Science Fiction. I rode in a bus with 40 others, mostly students. One girl sat next to me, said hello and from that day she was like a sister to me. We were both in a bus full of student by “chance”, so we spoke a lot and she told me of her experiences with God. There were really amazing stories in what she was sharing, visions, things I knew that “normal” people would wave their hand at. But since I had a gift of sorts, that others did not understand, her experiences were interesting to me, and I knew she was telling the truth.
Over next couple of years our friendship developed. Many were wondering how we never became more than friends, but neither she nor I saw each other as a pair. In spite of a wonderful friendship I still had a need for someone in my life. My loneliness pressed upon me more and more. I often worked away from home, I travelled much, and I still drank a lot, to the point where it was very obvious that it was turning into an addiction. As I was very strong in self-control I would fight with it, but in reality I was leading a double life. During days I would do my job, but after that I would simply ease into drinking until I would get home and “turn myself off” until the next morning. One night I discussed my loneliness with my friend, and she started praying for me. Soon, this prayer morphed into a language that I did not understand, but it was wonderful and indistinguishable to me, yet it still sounded like a language. It sounded pacifying and with melody, as if she was singing in her “own” language. When I asked her what it was, she explained it as a prayer in tongues which is noted in the Bible.
In the meantime, she started seeing her husband to be, and she told me how it was possible to recognize the “person of your life”. January 3rd of 2003 I visited them, and he suggested we prayed. This prayer changed my life. As soon as she started praying, immense peace fell upon me and continued flowing in waves. This peace was coming from above. She told me to invite Jesus in my heart and that He would surely come. The following fall I started attending the Word of Life church, and wanted to learn much more of the faith. Soon I attended the “Basic Bible Teachings” and afterwards the Bible school. During these three months God completely filled up my heart, and my addiction fell away. I literally heard God speaking to me: “You no longer have problems with addiction”. Now I know it was really God’s love that I was looking for, and that this great need that each human heart has no other and nothing other can fill. This change in me was very gentle and one day I simply noticed that the void and loneliness was no longer with me.
Since then, my life has seen many changes that none but God could make, and many miraculous things have come to pass. Some of them are:
My attitude towards myself – Following one prayer in which one sister prayed for me to become “a man that He wants me to be” I started regarding myself differently, the change came from within and was so clear that I knew old things have passed away forever. I knew that the “age of boys” has passed and new maturity and self-assurance.
My relationship with others – Especially towards other brothers and sisters, I started behaving with respect and love. If there wasn’t for them in my life, I would stumble or given up in many situations, but their prayers and their love were the means of change of me and of the circumstances around me.
My attitude towards material things – Reliance that came from material things changed into awareness that He takes care of us, and when we are near to Him all that we need will be provided to us regardless of the circumstances.
My attitude towards spiritual realities – The world of spiritual realities is just as real, in fact it is above this material world that surrounds us.
Now I know that everything was resolved on the Cross many centuries ago in Jesus’ sacrifice, that God’s grace and faith are more valuable than everything in this world and that the freedom is where His Spirit resides.
All that I lived and all I ran from was leading me to sure death, but now I know which way leads to freedom and life. If you see yourself in what I write, please know that Jesus did not do this just for me, but for anyone that calls His name. Please know that there is an exit. Take courage and start on the path of freedom…
With his sacrifice I am truly redeemed for freedom.
Amen.
