My life from before… everything looked ok on the outside, but on the inside – sorrow, loneliness, emptiness, depression… I was sinking deeper and deeper until the day when His beautiful light shone on my way and nothing has ever been the same since…
A good child indeed – I studied, attended two high schools, had excellent grades and never caused my parents major problems. However, I was yearning for love and closeness I wasn’t getting and that was actually the reason for doing all those things – I tried to be good and successful so that I would get attention and try to “buy love”.
Of course, life didn’t work my way and I started to condemn myself, thinking that I was never going to be good enough, that I wasn’t worthy to be loved; and those thoughts pushed me deeper and deeper into depression, grief and loneliness. Also, my friends didn’t quite accept me, because, who would want to hang out with such a negative person. Then I did everything I could to make them like me, including-starting to behave like them. Although I had always been against such lifestyle, I started to go out, to drink, to live undisciplined, just to fit in. Honestly, it was even worse then, because I was no longer me, doing things I didn’t want to do and still didn’t find what I had been looking for… that is, someone to love me the way I was and not for doing this or that. Soon, the whole story developed to the point of me not wanting to live anymore, I cried day after day. I tried to talk to my parents about it, but they didn’t understand me, they thought that it was just a phase which would pass and that was all. I tried to fight on my own, convincing myself that I should think positively and that way lift up my self–confidence, set myself free from depression and bondage in which I was in. And nothing worked. I concluded that it was best for me to kill myself, as nobody cared anyway.
As I was finishing dance school at that time, I had the intention to pursue a dancing career but that too was not going the way it was supposed to. I started to be out of breath in trainings, my lungs started to hurt and my lips would turn blue. I went to the doctor’s and they told me my lung capacity was too small and I had a form of asthma and that I no longer would be able to pursue a dancing career.
My dreams were shattered and the only thing that was on my mind was what would be after I died. That very thoughts frightened me because I believed that there was a God, even though all I did was went to church on Sundays and I knew I wouldn’t end up well if I committed suicide.
And then came summer. I went to the seaside with my family, the same as every year. There I met a boy with whom I started to hang out with. As we talked about everything, we also discussed God. He told me that Jesus had died for me and had paid the price for my sins, that He loved me and could free me from every bondage and heal every wound in my life. He said that those things are written in the Bible and that the Bible is the truth. I read the Bible only when I had to before, and even then I couldn’t understand much. However, I remembered that, at that time, Jesus did all kinds of miracles, healed the sick, freed the imprisoned, changed human lifes. And one verse rang in my ears: “Jesus Christ the same yesterday and today and forever” (Hebrews 13:8). Although some things sounded unusual to me, I could not stop thinking about what he was telling me. What if all this is true? What if Jesus is alive today as well? What if He can change my life too?…
When we returned to Zagreb, my 18th birthday was coming soon. I was looking forward to that day because I thought that surely a lot of people would remember my birthday, hang out with me and I would feel accepted. But my expectations were not fulfilled; only few people remembered to congratulate me, everybody at home were fighting and I didn’t get a single present… I talked to the boy I met at the seaside and told him how sad I was and he said to me that I could come to church with him if I wanted to. I thought – why not, there was nothing left for me to lose after a day like that. When we got there, everyone was happy and smiling, which was personally new to me. The praise began, everybody praised God with an honest heart, they shouted to Him, God’s Word was alive and it deeply touched my heart. Even though everything was strange and new to me, one thing I knew: God is alive and He is here and I want to meet Him. After we left the church, I went to the boy I had met at the seaside and he and his sisters turned off the lights, brought me a cake and threw me a party. I couldn’t believe what was happening to me, that someone cared about me and showed me so much love and gave me an honest hug…that was so beautiful. I came home and thought about how the day had turned out alright in the end. Then I said to God that I believed that Jesus had died for me and that I wanted to meet him. I felt so wonderful and I knew that finally, after all that searching, I had found the meaning of life.
A few days afterwards, there was a Christian conference I went to, believing that Jesus would heal my lungs because I knew that He could do that. And it really was like that. A servant of God prayed for me and I felt something change in my lungs. I breathed in like never before. After that I never had another pill and my lungs stopped hurting when under strain. I was so thankful. But that wasn’t all. I received the Holy Spirit and spoke in different tongues, which was a wonderful experience and then I knew that the Spirit of Christ was in me and he would never leave me. Since then my life has really changed, I have had indescribable peace in my heart, I started to be happy and smiling, grief and loneliness disappeared. God fulfilled my prayers and I continued forward with Him, from one victory into another. I have known His love which is huge and can heal all wounds from the past. I cannot even write about all the miracles God has done in my life. After some time of growth with God, Jesus also freed me from depression, which had disturbed me for a long time and which I had struggled with so much. He had taken it all to His cross, so that you and I could be healthy, free, joyful…how much He loved us!
Praise to God for everything He has done in my life, for pulling me up from the bottom and bringing me up to the top. He is not one sided, He loves you too and can do glorious works like that in your life as well.
Glory to Him forever!
